Sad Travel Photos

by Ben Sturdevant

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1.
My Last Memory 04:46
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in my last memory of your face standing in the dirt drive all heart broke and disgraced the morning light was shining green and summertime was fine for me to leave behind last years broken dream in my last memory of your smile you were flipping through the papers like a lawyer ripe for trial the coffee pot was burning black and there was no more going back you hefted up your eyes and said to me i loved you for my life you loved me for a day now you say you need a new start you say you need a new way so you’ve packed up all your heart and left me nothing here to say now you’re leaving me, but you’re taking all my bad karma away in my last memory of your laugh i called confused and broken said i need to have you back i was pacing in the basement blue had to idea what I should do without a hope to guide me through the years in my last memory of your rage the phone beeped off and left me alone to close the page and so the days went turning grey until my youthful dreams grew into hay i learned to love again like people do but the story doesn’t end like that the goddess is a vengeful cat she came and kindly took me by her side i held her close and loved her most gave her both my bones and ghost until she grinned and said that it was time she let fall a single golden tear and from its place a well of fear opened up beneath my fragile mind i looked deep into her eyes once more as she was quickly turning toward door and said the only thing left i could think to find i loved you for my life you loved me for a day now you say you need a new start you say you need a new way so you’ve packed up all your heart and left me nothing here to say now you’re leaving me, but you’re taking all my bad karma away
2.
Stupefied 05:03
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Maybe I was lost inside myself and couldn't find the heart to say just how I felt that sunny day and you got so mad i was frozen sad as you turned and walked away stupefied the way you see your father in my eyes behind your love a hangman with a rope from high above foolish pride i can't stand to let you leave my side take my hand walk me up the gallows like a man kiss me one more time and then but maybe I just don't understand myself can't put a name to the inner flame that turns me cold in the falling rain but what i don't know still haunts me so why you chose to go that way the world is so vast yet so small you can hardly see past yourself at all close my eyes and climb a tree i'll be waiting in your memory stupefied the way you see your father in my eyes behind your love a hangman with a rope from high above foolish pride i can't stand to let you leave my side take my hand walk me up the gallows like a man kiss me one more time and then
3.
Let The River Go 04:21
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wild oh wild one where do you go you dance in the rain and sleep in the snow cracked all my dreams into for food for the crows tore down the curtains with a violent blow here on the tireless edge of the night i sit like a scientist giddy with fright you’re sunk in my guts i can’t swallow the bite all i have is to watch for the merciless sight it comes in the morning stiff as the floor creaks in my bed the sound of its snore fills up my mind with its love and its lore but i wake up again to a wide open door wild oh wild one what do you find you seem most happy to leave things behind the chasm is great which your absence defines cut like a valley through my life and my mind oh let the river go let the world grow i’m so tired of holding on oh let the heavens flow come back down below where the sky just waits for dawn wild oh wild one dark as the tide deep as the well where my memories hide reborn like the moon with the night as your guide while I fall into dark as the newness collides here in these moments short as a tack i hang like a mirror beginning to slack i sleep in the pews and I puke in the sack i drink like a saint that don’t wanna come back broken of questions, night of the soul how can your spirit so make me un-whole? my arms turn to rust my heart turns to coal my tears turn to poison that won’t be consoled wild oh wild one come back to me you are singular thing that is free give me your dreams and i’ll plant a tree here in this valley of my misery
4.
Cast In Gold 03:59
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If I could I would take you back in time with me take you just in time to see how all the things I wasted are still all things that I could be i know i’m not a perfect man if i was i wouldn’t want a band aint it funny all the heart demands if all you need is love so if i could i would cut the rope to paradise live stranded on a block of ice where i could keep us warm and nice safely guarded from all that is ourselves an island is a prison or a temple to give yourself or lose yourself and run if you try to hold on to the light of the sun you’ll go blind but if I could I would paint your mind in empathy make you live in spite of me among all the desperate gifts we give that never really count for anything i know I’m not a perfect soul if i was I wouldn’t feel unwhole as my life goes on without a goal because i only live for you it’s alright. but i just can’t let it go a dream that i once had is still in control just a picture in my mind I cast into gold it’s alright, but i still can’t let it go an island is a prison or a temple to give yourself or lose yourself and run if you try to hold on to the light of the sun you’ll go blind but if i could i would
5.
Face The Morning 03:54
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There is no i told you so life is hard and we all know love is raw a bed of straw a burning blade a fatal flaw turned against by a charming prince his other side the night laments the spirit lies as your baby cries the human race just a nest of flies but oh now you gotta face the morning oh and you gotta face the day oh and you gotta find some solace when yourself gets in the way there is so much more to grow life is long but never slow fate is hard but just a card a random draw most disregard as darkness calls you hear it all how nothing’s right trapped in your walls but there is sight made real in strife and through the pain becomes so bright forgive yourself little darling you don’t have to take the blame forgive yourself, your life is calling calling you, be not ashamed forgive yourself, little darling whatever future you decide forgive yourself, though it’s appalling to feel a slave to what’s inside oh and you gotta face the morning oh and you gotta face the day oh and you gotta find some solace when yourself gets in the way

credits

released March 2, 2023

Songwriting, guitars, vocals, keys, bass, drums, other, recording, mixing: Ben Sturdevant - recorded in Rogers Park, Chicago

Thanks to Jarvis Square Pottery for letting me track my drum set parts in your space.

Mastering: Seiren Productions, St. Louis

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